Can I be Born as a Dog in my next life?

 I have never believed in the cycles of reincarnation. I mean you're telling me if I did enough good deeds in my previous life I would be rewarded with the ultimate prize--coming back as a human? I mean what kind of scam is this?. Why would I even be want to reborn as a human? What's the appeal? Taxes, Depression? Anxiety about how much of a loser you are while all your peers seem to have got it together? Being human is just a painful audition of who can suffer the most under their capitalistic  overlords and binge watch shows they don't even like illegally because they don't have the money to subscribe to all the streaming platforms. If that's enlightenment, count me out. Honestly, being reborn as a human sounds more like the punishment tier. After a vigorous scientific analysis, I have come to the conclusion that if I had to be reincarnated, I was going to game the system by doing just enough good deeds to be reborn as  'Sir Caesar' the beloved emotional support dog of a rich women named Paris who became a billionaire after a divorce and has no one else but me. I'll eat gourmet kibble that costs more than rent. I'll go to doggy spas and get facials I don’t need. I’ll wear little sweaters that match my owner's purse. And the best part? I’ll spend my entire reincarnated existence lying in the sun, getting belly rubs, and being called a 'brave little man' for simply existing.

Book Review in one para : Crying in H Mart

 If all the women in the world were split into species, Asian moms would absolutely be their own genus—Emotionaldamagus Maximus—whose primary evolutionary trait is emotionally wrecking their children while silently making them their favorite side dish. As I read this book, I became increasingly convinced that all Asian moms secretly graduated from the same secret school of parenting—probably hidden deep in the mountains, only accessible through passive-aggressive comments and making your children feel guilty about all the life choices they have made.

They’ll roast your career like it's their full-time job, unless of course you’re a doctor, engineer, or possibly a doctor-engineer hybrid. They’ll never say 'I love you,' but will cook up that exact same aloo burja you mentioned liking one time five years ago like it’s no big deal. I swear, while reading this book I had a full-on Spider-Man meme moment. 'Is that… my mom? Am I her daughter? Is my mom her?'

Okay, my mom’s not dying of cancer, unlike the one in the book—but the emotional whiplash was real. In my more narcissistic moments (which, let’s be honest, are frequent), I’ve imagined my dramatic cancer movie death where everyone is sobbing over how much they loved me—but not once have I thought about my mom dying. And suddenly, thanks to this book, I was hit with a reality check like, 'Oh crap, maybe I should stop slamming my door every time she yells at me to put my dress in the washing machine'

Sure, I hate her screeching at me to clean my room now, but I also literally can’t sleep if I haven’t been mildly insulted by her at least once a day. This book made me laugh, made me cry, and made me hug my mom just to ask if she could make me some aloo burja.

Solid 3.5/5. Would recommend if you want to cry, laugh, and call your mom out of guilt.

Sunil Shetty’s birth plan tip: Skip the vaginal trauma, opt for abdominal trauma—it’s just comfier.

Mumbai, MH – Instead of quietly basking in the joy of becoming a first-time grandfather, actor Sunil Shetty has chosen a more noble pursuit: offering expert commentary on the one thing he has zero experience in—pushing a baby out of a vagina. In a stunning medical breakthrough, Mr. Shetty has declared that women who opt for C-sections 'lack strength.' Yes, because nothing screams weakness quite like someone slicing through your abdominal wall, digging around your organs, pulling out a human, and then sewing you back up like a badly torn suitcase. All while being told to 'rest' for six weeks with a newborn glued to your chest. 'Shetty seems to think a C-section is some kind of luxury spa package,' said one OB-GYN, visibly restraining herself from rolling her eyes into another dimension. The actor also cited how 'every nurse and pediatrician said it’s unbelievable how she went through it all'—a heartwarming quote that sounds even more impressive until you remember these professionals see about 300 births a month and don’t usually faint with awe when a woman... gives birth. In response, women across India have banded together to gift Mr. Shetty a pregnancy simulator—set to the highest difficulty level, of course. Sources confirm the plan is to crank it up until he either reconsiders his stance or cries for his mother. Or both. Stay tuned as we wait for Sunil Shetty’s next hot take: maybe he'll weigh in on menopause, or how 'period cramps are probably just a mindset thing.'

7 Ways to spend your birthday at home with no money

 1. Doom scroll Instagram and spiral into an identity crisis because apparently everyone you went to school with is now a CEO, influencer or yoga instructor with a six-pack, while you just woke up before 10 a.m. for the first time in a decade.

2. Have an emotional breakdown worthy of a female vamp on Indian TV serials and beg for attention form your parents as a last resort because your friends don't remember you or your birthday and are vacationing in Goa.

3. Attempt a hot new makeup look, but end up looking like a haunted Victorian doll who died of neglect and regret. Realize once again: Blush can't bring color into your life only to your face.

4. Try to bake a cake 'just for fun', only to have a full-blown existential crisis in the supermarket because what is an oven thermometer? Where do I find it and why do I need so many utensils to make a fucking cake?

5. Watch the 1995 BBC Pride and Prejudice, cry when Mr. Darcy emerges wet from the pond, and accept that no man has ever — or will ever — dramatically emerge from a body of water just to marry you and your ugly face.

6. Go on a fun little hike, only to realize 600 meters in, that your lungs were designed for sitting and sighing, eating, maybe all three at the same time but not movement. 

7. Read an article about a 9-year-old who discovered a potential cure for cancer, and spiral into self-loathing while trying to remember the last time you did anything other than watch Netflix all day.

Global Tech Crisis Looms as Indian Uncles and Aunties Flood WhatsApp with 'Good Morning' messages

 

Mumbai MH-- In a shocking revelation, insider sources from WhatsApp headquarters have confirmed what every Indian knows in her heart, that the company may be facing bankruptcy, all because Indian uncles and aunties refuse to stop the relentless spamming of their family WhatsApp groups with 'good morning' and 'goodnight' messages everyday. 'If it were just the text messages it would still be salvageable,' sighed the WhatsApp CTO while sipping his fourth stress induced espresso as they cleaned the overloaded servers, 'but no, every message also needs to be accompanied by a JPEG of a glittering flower, or the rising sun or Lord Krishna plying a flute with the Gopi's. Sometimes all three, and that too in HD'. Youth are also feeling the psychological toll of the above mentioned crises, especially around the time of their birthdays. 'My birthday was worse than a UN peacekeeping mission,' said 26-year-old Suman, who spent seven hours replying to a flood of ‘Happy Birthday beta’ texts that too individually. 'I muted the family WhatsApp group' he added, 'but I still get ambushed. I clicked a video titled 'Puppy Dancing' and ended up watching a CCTV footage of a dog getting hit by a bus, followed by the message, send this to 400 people or misfortune will strike.'

7 Classic Signs of an Indian Women having a Quarter Life Crisis

1. Chops off her waist length hair into a power bob because nothing screams 'I’m in control of my life' like impulsively shedding a decade of emotional baggage at a salon that charged her half of her rent.

2.  Trauma dumps to a succulent named Shanti who despite being a literal plant provides more emotional support than all her friendships and also doesn't diss or laugh and make fun of her life choices. 

3.  Manically plans a Versailles-level 26th birthday bash, despite spending the last ten years ignoring the fact that she is getting old.

4.  Seriously considers running off to a monastery to become a nun, not for the religion, but to run away from responsibility and the dread at her boss's phone call.

5.  Creates a Vision Board where she’s a Forbes 30 under 30 cover girl, with a million dollar business right after a 3-hour Instagram spiral stalking her high school frenemy who just got into IIT and has abs.

6.  Signs up for a 10-day silent meditation retreat, convinced that staring at a wall for a week will somehow cure her of her anxiety about the future.

7.  Contemplate if she should marry the stranger chosen by her parents to at least have someone other than her parents who are legally bound to look after her.

7 ways to avoid dying of a heatstroke this Summer without AC

 

1. Do the Ice bucket Challenge x3 Daily in the name of science

2. Snort Borosil Powder like its cocaine to calm the heat in your body

3. Hire a personal fanboy (literally) to fan you all the time like the kings and queens of the old

4. Buy an inflatable pool for your living room and work, sleep and attend zoom meetings from it

5. Pretend you are a yogi and roam around in a loincloth chanting 'Less Fabric, Less Sweat'

6. Live in the refrigerator with the vegetables as your neighbor and Leftover food in Tupperware boxes as your watchman

7. Decorate your house with blackout blinds and realize your final boss form of Edward Cullen 2.0